Batman vs Puberty
by Vashti93
Summary: A scene I imagine would happen if Damian Wayne was a girl. Disclaimer: I don't own Batman or anything Batman related. But Daniella Dahlia Wayne is mine. (First in the Daniella Wayne series)


Batman and Nightwing sped through the silent, dark, empty streets of Gotham in the batmobile. The sky was clear and cloudless. It was a surprisingly calm, boring night in Gotham. Not a criminal in sight. "Wow," Nightwing said with a yawn. "This is…fun. Why don't we just call it a night, Bruce?" Batman _hmphed_ in response when the phone in the batmobile began to ring. "Alfred," Batman answered in his deep, baritone voice.

"Master Bruce," Alfred responded, his voice steady. "Master Grayson, I trust everything is going well."

"As well as can be," Nightwing replied. "There's no one out here," he whined.

"I see," Alfred deadpanned. "Master Bruce, I hate to interrupt when you're so busy at work; but I have your daughter here. She has something to discuss that is of utmost importance."

"Put her on," Bruce said. "Daniella."

"Father," she said.

"You want to discuss something with me."

"Yes. It would be better if we discussed this privately," Daniella glared at Nightwing.

"Not how the batmobile works, little princess," Nightwing said. "C'mon. What's on baby Satan's mind?" Daniella glared at Nightwing. "Father," she whined.

"Daniella," Bruce said clearly not in the mood for her and Nightwing's bickering.

"Very well. It seems that I have had my first bleeding."

"Your what?" Dick asked. Daniella ignored him.

"Daniella," Bruce said, "remember what I said about using old English phrases and words." Daniella rolled her eyes and let out a loud groan. "What I'm saying, Father, is I have started my menstruation cycle." Batman stared blankly at his daughter through the screen. "I started my period!" Bruce slammed on the brakes, and Nightwing's jaw dropped wide open. "I told Pennyworth, but he said this is something you would like to handle personally." Bruce sat frozen in his seat. "I searched the entire manor," Daniella continued, "but I was only able to find one tampon in your bathroom. No doubt leftover from one of your many…trysts. Anyway, according to the internet and Alfred, I am in need of more supplies. And since you refuse to let me leave the house without the presence of one of you," she motioned to her father and Alfred, "you are going to have to buy the items for me." Bruce sat staring at the screen in silence. Nightwing's jaw was still hanging open. "Father," Daniella called when she received no response. "Father."

"Allow me, Miss Daniella." Daniella moved, and Alfred's face appeared on the screen. "Sir," Alfred said, "sir, are you alright sir?" Bruce cleared his throat before responding. "Al-Al-Alfred, did I hear correctly?"

"You did sir."

"And you couldn't have handled this?"

"Sir, the start of the menstruation is a profound moment in a girl's life. It marks the beginning of her journey into womanhood."

"Make him stop," Nightwing muttered while plugging his ears. "Make him stop."

"This is a joyous moment in the life of young Daniella. One that is to be celebrated. I thought you would want to share in this…wonderous occasion," Alfred finished with a smirk.

"I—what am I supposed to do? I don't know what to buy," Bruce sputtered.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out, Master Bruce. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must finish making the hot chocolate for Miss Daniella."

"You did this on purpose," Bruce deadpanned.

"Yes, I suppose so. Remember all of those times you had me run to the store late at night because you suddenly needed a condom or two? Payback is a bitch." And with that, Alfred ended the call.

* * *

Bruce and Nightwing sat silently in the batmobile for another ten minutes. "You know," Nightwing said, breaking the silence, "I always forget that underneath the homicidal psychopathic being, there really is a human girl. But I thought girls got their periods at 16 or something."

"I…don't…" Bruce remained.

"Well, good luck," Nightwing attempted to open the door. But Batman immediately locked him in. "And where do you think you're going?" he asked Nightwing.

"Well, this seems more like a you problem."

"No. You're coming with me," Batman shifted the gear to drive.

"But- "

"No," and he sped off into the night.

Batman and Nightwing sat silently in the batmobile, eyeing the 24-hr convenient store across from the dark alley they were currently occupying. "This is the only place opened in all of Gotham?" Batman asked.

"Bruce, it's almost midnight on a Tuesday evening. The only other places open are gas stations and strip clubs. And, I honestly don't know if gas stations sell…um…well, you know," Nightwing replied.

"Tampons?" Bruce finished.

"Yeah. Tampons. So, how do you want to do this?"

"Go in there and get the…stuff."

"Me?" Nightwing asked. "I don't know what to buy."

"Don't you do this for Barbara?"

"The one time I did, she yelled at me for getting the wrong pad. Something about not having wings. To this day, I still have no idea what she means by 'wings' or why they're important."

"Call Barbara."

"I can't call Barbara."

"And why not?"

"Because," Nightwing mumbled, "she is also on her…cycle. If I call her and interrupt her sleep or her ice cream eating or her 'me time', she will strangle me. She will cut off my balls and strangle me with them."

"Dick- "

"No, Bruce," Dick interrupted shutting Bruce up, "you don't understand. I call it hell week. Some girls are fine, but most girls get even crazier than usual. And, you have a murderous psychopath living in your house who is psychotic on any normal day. She's gonna be completely off the rails now. You think she was dangerous before puberty? You and Alfred need to sleep with one eye open and keep her away from sharp objects. And blunt objects. Better yet, get a panic room."

"I'm not locking my daughter in a panic room because-"

"The panic room is to keep you and Alfred in and her out."

"Dick," Bruce said rubbing his own face, "you're overexaggerating." Dick let out a loud, hearty laugh. "Oh, Bruce," he said, "you are in for a rude awakening. But back to the matter at hand, I refuse to call Barbara. Why don't you call Selina?"

"She's out of the country."

"Wonder Woman?"

"Themyscira."

"Hawk Girl?"

"Off world."

"Vicky Vale?" Bruce glared at him. Nightwing put his hands up. "My bad," he said.

"This is ridiculous," Bruce growled. "I'm Batman. I have faced the toughest criminals both known and unknown to mankind. I should be able to walk in there and get pads for my daughter." The two superheroes once again sat in silence. "Are you going to go?" Nightwing asked.

"Yes."

"Dressed as Batman?"

"Bruce Wayne cannot be seen in this part of the city. Do you have a better idea?" Batman growled. Nightwing quickly shook his head. "Okay, then," Bruce said. "Stay on coms. This could get ugly."

* * *

"Welcome to the 24 hour- "the young clerk said before freezing mid-sentence and froze. Batman had just walked into his store. It was either the real Batman, or a fan wearing a very impressive and 100% accurate Batman costume. He was assuming it was the former, just to be on the safe said. "C-C-C-Can I help you, s-s-sir?" the clerk asked shakily.

"Tampons," Batman said gruffly.

"A-A-Aisle 9," he said pointing to the left. Batman responded with a stiff nod before walking away. "Okay, Nightwing," he said quietly into his earpiece. "Walk me through this. What am I looking for?"

"_Well, according to this website, it all depends on the heaviness of the flow."_

"The flow?"

_"Yeah. You know. The amount of blood pouring from her- "_

"Okay okay okay okay. I got it. I don't know how heavy her flow is."

_"Forget it. It probably isn't _that _important."_

"Now what? Does brand matter?"

_"Naw. I wouldn't worry about that. Will she be going on missions during her…tribulation period?"_

"What! No! I don't know. Why is that important?"

_"Because certain tampons are for girls who are active, but others are for girls who want to be treated like pearls."_

"Like what?"

_"Like pearls."_

"What does that mean?"

_"I don't know."_

"Dick," Bruce growled.

_"Stay with me, Bruce. I'm trying to make this as painless as possible."_

"What is the difference between a tampon and tampax?"

_"What? There's more than one?"_

"Apparently."

_"Maybe you should get one of each and let her choose."_

"Okay. Do I get regular, small, or super?"

_"Huh?"_

"There's an option for regular, small, or super. Also, do you think she wants them scented or unscented?"

_"Um…let's look at the pads. Maybe those will be easier."_

"What the…"

_"What? Bruce, what?"_

"Maxi, super, long, thin, heavy, moderate, liners, overnight, menstrual cup?"

_"What are you talking about? Are you having a stroke?"_

"No, I'm reading the labels."

_ "It sounds like you're just saying random words."_

"You're not helping."

_"I'm not the one with a teenage girl in my house. How aren't you prepared for this? You're prepared for everything. Didn't Alfred talk to you about this? Omigosh!" Horror laced Nightwing's words. "Have you given her the talk? Do you think Tahlia gave her the talk? What if she didn't? You're going to have to talk to Daniella about sex."_

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."

_"She's going to have to start wearing bras," _Nightwing gasped_. "Damn, Bats, why'd you have a girl? A boy would have been so much easier."_

"Focus, Nightwing," Batman grumbled, losing patience.

_"Right. Get the one with wings."_

"Wings? What are wings? What the fuck!" Batman swore. He glared at the infuriating items in his hand, ready to hurl them across the store, when he heard the flash of a camera. He turned his head to the left to see two teenagers gawking at him with their mouths open. One was holding up a cellphone; and his friend was pulling chips and energy drinks from his backpack and putting them back on the shelf. "We were gonna pay for these, I swear," he said, his eyes wide in amazement, shock, and horror. "Leave," Batman growled. The two teenagers scurried out the door. _"Bruce," _he heard Nightwing say in his ear. _"You're a billionaire. Just buy one of each. You can't go wrong." _Batman rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever." He began to pull one of each item and brand off the shelf.

* * *

Batman and Nightwing say silently in the Batcave, having yet to exit the batmobile. "That was…traumatic," Nightwing said. Bruce said nothing. "Seriously," Nightwing continued, "that was painful. I'd rather go toe-to-toe with the Joker and Deathstroke. Please don't make me do that again."

"I can't do this," Bruce said shaking his head. "I can't raise a daughter. This…is…a whole new type – "A knock on the window interrupted him. He retracted the top of the batmobile coming face-to-face with a smirking Alfred and a nauseous looking tween. "Father. Grayson," Daniella said.

"Evening, Master Bruce," Alfred said, amusement lacing his words. "I trust your evening's endeavors were successful." He eye-balled the large amount of product in the backseat.

"Father," Daniella said, "there's over 20 boxes back there. Do you really think I'll need that many?"

"I don't-I don't know," Bruce said pulling off his cowl, exhaustion marring his handsome features. "I don't know, Daniella. Can we figure this out tomorrow?" A _ding _came from both Daniella's and Dick's phone. "Father," Daniella asked, "did you buy all of those things while dressed as Batman?" Bruce immediately covered his face with his hands.

"Uh, Bruce," Dick said, "Babs wants to know if we heard about the Batman impersonator who just bought a store's entire supply of feminine items?"

"I'm going to bed," Bruce said exiting his vehicle and dragging his feet up the stairs and out the cave.

"Hey, you're trending!" he heard Dick shout. Maybe he'd fall asleep, wake up, and realize all of this had been a bad dream.

The next morning, before school, Daniella was sitting calmly at the table with Bruce, enjoying her breakfast, when Jason walked in. He walked right up to her, ruffled her hair, and said, "What up, demon spawn?" Daniella immediately jumped to her feet, cocked her hand back, and slapped Jason across the face so hard he flew back ten feet before landing on his rear. "PISS OFF YOU STUPID OAF!" Daniella shouted before marching out the kitchen. Bruce, Alfred, and Jason flinched when they heard the front door close with a loud slam. "Jeez," Jason said, rubbing his throbbing face that now sported a bright red handprint. "What's gotten into her?" he asked picking himself up from the floor.

"You don't want to know," Bruce said, covering his face with his hands. "You do not want to know."

"Might I suggest stocking up on chocolate, Master Bruce?" Alfred asked. Bruce only mumbled into his hands in response before following his daughter out the door. This was going to be a rough week.


End file.
